November 2016 - January 2017

November was kind of nightmarish in that the worst president in American history was elected. We really didn't think it could happen. Also, the depression got worse again. I ended up seeing my psychiatrist one day, and she insisted I go to the hospital.

The hospital was also a nightmare. It was really hard and frustrating to have no control and absolutely no privacy. It was just like a prison. I even had to be naked while they looked over my body for marks and scars. It was horrible. But there were some moments of joy. One morning, the kitchen made really, really good omlettes. They had all kinds of fillings that you pick out yourself and then they tossed it in the egg and put cheese on. It was sooo good! And then church there was one of the closest I'd ever felt to God. It was a chincy setup and only me and one other lady from the full unit (20) came. But we were surrounded by other mentally-ill people. And the sunlight was so bright through the window shades. It was just an unforgetable session, and I even took the sacrament for the first time in years. It felt okay to do so. Everyone was very nice there.

I also got to see Stephen come in a few times to visit! He had a really hard time by himself. It was the longest we'd been apart from eachother since our first date in 2012. He had a bunch of ward members checking on him. It was sweet of them. After a week of torture, I finally got home. 

I like this because it has the medical code for my exact thing! 

I struggled a lot for a bit, got more Latuda and felt great, and now I feel horrible again. I don't know what to do. More Latuda? Different meds altogether? The psychiatrist there said I should be on an antidepressant (she put me on Cymbalta, but I quit that of course), so I'm hoping another one would help without terrible side effects like they usually have.

September 2016 - October 2016

Wow, it's like October didn't even exist!

Things have been changing around here, that's for sure. Stephen got a very expensive gaming laptop, and he loves it! He deserves some nice things every now and then. He's still working hard at Blue Host. They give him so much free stuff! Classes are going well for him, and now we have health and guitar together. He plays the bass line and I play the arpegiated chords for our pieces. It's been fun!

___________________________________________________________________

On September 29th, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was just telling my psychiatric NP how Stephen and I fight (which is always him being 100% chill and me 0% chill) and then, again, how he cheated on me with his ex when we were first dating and I was still devastated. As if it happened yesterday! He has changed completely since then, he's basically a whole other person, yet I still hurt SO much from something that happened almost 4.5 years ago! I thought of it every day. It was in my brain, no matter what I did. I tried forgiving her, praying for peace, I tried forgetting it, nothing helped. And I was still so heartbroken. I'd have nightmares, I felt so ugly and worthless, my misery would show up as (what I recognize now as irrational,) constant irritation with Stephen, and I'd sometimes cry alone for hours.

Anyway, I finished with explaining that my life was so unstable, and that I was so unstable. That's when she asked: "Have you ever heard of Borderline?" I vaguely remembered the name from a social work class. We went over the criteria in the DSM and decided that I definitely had it, and she prescribed my first antipsychotic (that I'd actually try): Latuda.

It's been a miracle-worker! My social phobia has improved SO much, the depressive episodes have nearly vanished, and I'm 100% less irritated with Stephen. I'm not so irrational and miserable anymore. And, the best news is that I hardly ever think of the ancient cheating "scandal". I have control of my thoughts, I have freedom, I am experiencing life inside my body, in real time. I don't know, I just thought I was alright before, but things are so much better now.
            ___________________________________________________________________

We're really happy right now!

So we're thinking of having a baby again. I'm taking prenatal chews (not pills, thank goodness!), and thinking of getting off Gabapentin and Buspirone. Maybe in December, but we're still not sure. I don't know what my future holds, or what I am capable of academically. I'd still love to work with dead people, of course, but getting there has been so much more difficult than I imagined, and school is not going well. I dropped out of my 2nd EMT program (but EMT is still great!!!). Should I put my dreams on hold? Will they hang up on me? Stephen would make a fantastic father (and such CUTE babies)! Would it be fun and not suck as much as I think it will? We don't know, but if we try, it will be in December. That's so soon...

July 2016 - August 2016

School is back in session, work is back to half-time, and Fall is coming our way, so Stephen is really happy! He feels alive this time of year. He's studying to become a high school history teacher and, luckily, finds his classes easy this semester. Let's hope for more good grades!

Fall is my favorite time of the year too. It RAINED today!! School has been unreasonably stressful for me. It's been difficult, but Stephen and I take guitar together, and that's been pretty fun!

We decided not to get pregnant this year. We love being a couple too much! I mean, I can't take care of us very well anyway, then the prenatal vitamins were making me almost throw up. We realized I only wanted it because school wasn't going well, we prayed, and it just didn't feel right anymore. But, in hindsight, we were DEFINITELY not ready! We're really happy just being us two! We'll see what the future holds.

April 2016 - June 2016

Things have been a little harder lately.

Stephen finished his semester with good grades! He's gotten his eligibility back, he's back to working full-time, and his employers love him so much they awarded him this transformer mouse for rocking so hard!

We've both been enjoying our Summer, probably because we're indoors, but also because we found an awesome game that we LOVE. It's called Overwatch, and it's made by Blizzard.

These are our shirts. We're crazy about them!

It's not Until Dawn, but it's easily the second-best game ever. Stephen's happy he found a game I enjoy watching him play.

On a sad note, I ended my time with Tim. He's seriously a life-saver. I didn't know people could feel this good. He said my depression would come back (it's recurrent), but that I have the tools to deal with it. Thank you, Tim. Gosh I miss him!

Then I had to quit my job. It was a dream job, but I was breaking down nearly every night. I had huge mouth ulcers, and was falling way behind in school. It was so unfortunate. And then school didn't quite work out either. I caught up and did everything I could and did really well on the final, but was ultimately dismissed for not being able to "easily work with strangers." That was difficult, because I worked really hard to hide my discomfort.

Anyway, that's about it these past few months. Just getting by. We're making it to church more frequently, so we may be sealed soon. Then baby time, I guess. We're thinking of getting pregnant this Fall because doctor and insurance stuff. We'll see!

November 2015 - March 2016

A lot has changed in the past few months - for the better!

Stephen has switched to part time work and full time school. He is doing well in his classes and studying a lot! He's being a good example. He says about these past months: "I have improved as a student and possibly even a husband...?"

I got a temporary job as a floral designer, then a short stint as a puppy deliverer (what a nightmare), and now a full time job at a souvenir-making warehouse. It's a great job! Everyone is a native Spanish speaker, so I'm picking up some Spanish. Also, I'm in an EMT-B class. I haven't told anyone in my family, so I'm excited to surprise. I'm SO stressed and SO busy, but it's good.

Because I'm doing so well, my therapist and I are discussing termination dates. It's profoundly sad, but it had to happen eventually. He's good!

We've been so busy, but we look forward to the coming months (especially graduation)!

August 2015 - October 2015

I forgot to mention that our car broke down and DIED in July. The black Mitsubishi Outlander. It was such a good car to us. It was our wedding gift from my parents. And they really gave it to us. We were in charge of it. It was 10 years old, so I didn't feel too bad, but we could've saved a lot of money if we'd just stopped.

That car always had issues with the coolant and radiator. This time, I was driving to pick Stephen up from work. Almost there, I started hearing this noise in tandem with the wheels turning. A rythmic "thump...thump...thump". Okay. Weird. I mentioned it to Stephen as he entered the car. I was worried. He said we should just try driving home. As we left, the sound seemed to get more intense. I quickly pulled over. "Maybe we should call AAA for roadside assistance." I said. Stephen hesitatingly called (he hates calling people almost as much as I do). They said they could only tow.

We tried to decide what to do next. "I don't want to drive this car. I'm scared."

Stephen, having just gotten off a long shift said "Let's just try to get home."

With, I thought, no other option, I started driving again. I tried going slowly, but the sound - even becoming less frequent - got more and more intense. Suddenly, there was this maple smell. I noticed it, but thought it must have been Stephen, or I was going crazy. We were turning onto this busy street and there were cars behind me, so I tried to speed up so as not to annoy them (bad idea). We were approaching a stoplight at an intersection, and then ALL the car lights came on and the breaks and steering wheel just LOCKED. I mean LOCKED. It took all my strength to try not to hit the car in front of us, and I turned the car as much as possible to the right, onto some roadside gravel. We were lucky we'd already slowed down so much, and that there was somewhere to turn off.

I knew something horrible and expensive had happened.

We turned on the hazard lights and circled the car, trying to guess what had happened. I don't think we bothered opening the hood because neither of us knows much about cars. We called AAA (within 5 minutes of our first call, I swear), and told them we'd need a tow. Meanwhile, I had Stephen Google the maple smell. Apparently, he'd smelled it too. Maybe I should've asked. Maybe he should've said something. Oh well.

Something was wrong with the coolant. Of course. We also called one of our best friends for a ride. Again, it would've been smarter to be safe and call for a ride and tow in the first place. We now have a better appreciation of the saying: "Live and Learn". Oh yes...we learned big time.

The car was toast. They didn't explain it well, but it sounded like the pistons had overheated because something was up with the coolant, and they melted to the engine. The actual engine needed to be replaced. We didn't know we had good credit (apparently, I have amazing credit), so we didn't think we'd be able to pay for the $2,000(?) fix, and we knew the actual car was worth less than that, so we bought a new car. It's a blue Hyundai Accent GLS. It's gonna run about $14,000, but we think it'll be worth it.

Unfortunately, that meant that Stephen had to start working full time. I was in no position to work. He just did it. We never even discussed it. I'm so grateful, but I miss him so much. Every day.

__________________________

Anyway, we got my PKD tests done in August. Every year, they take a 24 hour pee-collection test and a blood test. The results of which were normal this year. Our doctor sat in his rolly chair and asked us if we'd thought of having kids. I told him we had, but that we didn't know how many or when. He said: "The sooner the better." And then he started talking about this high-risk pregnancy team he knows in Salt lake City. Woah woah woah...we weren't ready for this talk. 

"Do you think we should have kids?" I asked. Many doctors tell their PKD patients not to procreate.

"I try to refrain from telling my patients what to do about something so personal. That's between you and God." He replied. "Unless it would kill the mother, but that's only happened twice. Both of them were kidney patients." Then he told us a story about one of them.

"How old, would you say, is the age limit at which we can have kids?" 

"35."

Oh my goodness. That is 11 years. Maybe. We're not ready for that but, then again, a lot can change in 11 years. I met Stephen at middle school in 2005. In 2015, we've been married for nearly 3 years. So...we'll see. Still kinda...scary. 

____________________________

Stephen started his semester at school. Since he is working full time, he can only take 6 credits. Which is good, because we have to pay for them because of his history of bad grades. He's taking a history class and geology. He comes home to tell me about what he's learned, and it's so fun to talk about geology with him. I think we're both glad he took that class! Only like...4 more weeks of class! He's been doing very well. This semester is the first time I've seen him sit down and do homework. Needless to say, we don't take school for granted anymore.

____________________________

I dropped out of school. I was doing horribly, and I just didn't care about my classes anymore. I had a hard time caring about anything. My depression, which was starting to get better, just took a nosedive for the worse. I stayed on the couch or in bed most of the day, every day. I felt exhausted. Then, I ran out of medication refills. I couldn't see my psychiatrist because I wasn't a student anymore. I couldn't obtain more, so I tried "ruffin it" without my antidepressants one day. I got a huge headache and I was beginning to freak out just because I knew I wasn't properly medicated. 

So, I left for the ER, and I got a refill. That night, I took my first gabapentin since "the great famine", and I felt a million times better. And that feeling never went away. I felt so much better that I started to get scared. I worry still that it will just stop as suddenly as it came on. But I'm enjoying it while it lasts. It's such a different world. Normal people wouldn't understand. I'm just blown away at how different I feel. It's great! Maybe I can get a job soon!

Which reminds me that this sweet girl in our ward has a father and an uncle who were/are in the funeral business. She gave me her uncle's number, and her dad gave me advice. Her uncle told me to send in my resume and interview with whoever to get in good. I'm so excited, but I have yet to write my resume. Major slacking!

____________________________

Stephen has been a star. He's working SO hard and providing for me and Millie. He's been doing well in school, it seems. I've been suddenly better, so I hope to post more things to come - even though the year is almost over. 

OH I ALMOST FORGOT!!!!

I found my favorite videogame of ALL time: Until Dawn

It is magical. I only wish it was longer and that I could forget after each time I play it so I can have a new experience all over again. It is such a perfect, awesome game! We played it with our closest guy friends. Our best friends. And it was such a blast. We were up pretty late finishing it, but it's such a relatively short game. Oh, but it's lovely. So amazing. And, for Halloween, Stephen and I were characters from it: Mike and Hannah.

Good times!

April 2015 - July 2015

It's been four months! It's been so incredibly hectic. My apologies.

I guess all that happened of note in April is that I had one of the worst days of my life. To make a LONG story brief, Stephen went to the dentist to get some work done, and he went into shock as he was getting his x-rays. He started making this weird sound, so I got up to see him lax and cyanotic, with his eyes rolled back. The dental tech lady said he'd had a seizure, and I shouted for someone to come help. He was "fine" as soon as he regained consciousness and threw up a few times, but was checked out by a few sets of EMTs, some firefighters, and a cop. He kept apologizing for scaring me! Needless to say, I made him take the day off and be with me.

I was also started on bupropion (again) for depression. Apparently, people with anxiety will have palpitations if they aren't slowly introduced to bupropion. It's helped tremendously in some areas, but not as much with the actual depression. It's helped enough (I'm not nearly as suicidal), but I wish I could feel better. I still feel terrible most of the time. They're both recommending anti-psychotics at this point.

To help further, my therapist prescribed an emotional support animal. I was very, very excited. I'd been looking at kitties ever since I brought up the idea of an ESA. Unfortunately, the day after I got my letter, there were no cats at Petsmart. So, in desperation, we went to Animal Ark. There were only the orange kittens I'd seen a few days before.

Without thinking (or breathing!), we got a kitten. I cried as soon as we got home. I felt so guilty for not getting the rescue cats. Now we had this tiny orange kitten we didn't connect with. We'd made a huge mistake. The kitten was a great little kitten, but he had a biting problem. He was always biting us. He was so full of energy. I later learned how young he was. He was a tiny baby, so he didn't have time to learn not to bite from his littermates.

We tried. We really, really did, but he was just too much for us. We ended up giving him to a girl whose 20 year old orange cat had just died. She also had a little puppy with whom August (what we named the orange kitten) became instant buddies. I was SO happy a good home came along for him! He was a sweet boy.

After we gave him up, we took a small break to rest and think. We sunk well over $100 on a kitten that, deep down, we knew we didn't connect with. We got a new sectional sofa because we were tired of our leather loveseat. We just had some peace and quiet in our apartment. 

We decided to go with an older cat. Stephen was done with kittens. August was his first experience owning a kitten. They're not all that crazy! August was way too much of a party animal for us. 

Anyway, that's when we went to the SUVAS to get a rescue cat. We just drove there, walked in, and said we were there to look at some cats. The lady looked up at us with some level of frustration and said: "Do you want a kitten?"

"No, no" Stephen said, holding his hands up. "We want a cat.". 

Her eyes softened. "We have cats here and in the back, but you can't buy any of them today. We close at 6pm." It was kitten season, and I'm sure they'd seen plenty of people come in to buy kittens for their significant others only to return the adults they become later. A lot of people don't understand that a kitten is a 10+ commitment, and it's not a kitten for most of that time.

We looked at all the cats of all ages. I saw so many adorable kittens that I just longed for. I saw a few cats who seemed like a good fit for us. Stephen looked at this longhaired black and white cat "Ember" for a long time. He asked me what I thought, and I replied that she was okay. 

We looked at all the cats. And, when I turned the corner, I saw these crystal blue eyes peeking out from this black abyss. She was a young siamese cat with a dark brown face and brownish body with dark brown mits and tail. She was just too cute. I knew I wanted her. I even picked out a name. We were going to get her the next day. 

The next day came and we took her out to play with in another room, a "getting to know you" room, so to speak. She was shedding a LOT because she was stressed. She rubbed up on us and explored. She was beautiful, but something didn't feel right. I just didn't feel a connection again. I was heartbroken because I so wanted to. But then again, what if I was just worrying because of the daunting decision of adding a family member?

Stephen noticed something was wrong and suggested we look at other cats. I couldn't face all those poor kitties again, so we looked in the front glass enclosure. It was filled with the meows of kittens, but it was still less unsettling than the back room. There was "Ember" and a chill black cat amidst all the tiny, frantic kittens. Stephen pointed her out again, and I agreed to meet her.

As I carried her to the other room, I noticed her body was not as stiff and foreign-feeling as the other cat. We set her down, and that's when I noticed Stephen crying. I asked him what was up, and he replied: "I'm just so happy. I love her. I really love her." How could I say no to that?! So we decided to get her then and there. We waited with her in the room while the paperwork was finalized and we found a name for her. This is Millicent: 

It's hard to capture on camera, but she has the greenest eyes. She's very, very chatty. Very shy around strangers. Skittish, so adorable, and clingy. She's a good little cat. Very petite cat. We call her Millie. She looks kind of like Milo, and that's what I like most about her. Oh, and she LOVES Stephen!