September 2016 - October 2016

Wow, it's like October didn't even exist!

Things have been changing around here, that's for sure. Stephen got a very expensive gaming laptop, and he loves it! He deserves some nice things every now and then. He's still working hard at Blue Host. They give him so much free stuff! Classes are going well for him, and now we have health and guitar together. He plays the bass line and I play the arpegiated chords for our pieces. It's been fun!

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On September 29th, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was just telling my psychiatric NP how Stephen and I fight (which is always him being 100% chill and me 0% chill) and then, again, how he cheated on me with his ex when we were first dating and I was still devastated. As if it happened yesterday! He has changed completely since then, he's basically a whole other person, yet I still hurt SO much from something that happened almost 4.5 years ago! I thought of it every day. It was in my brain, no matter what I did. I tried forgiving her, praying for peace, I tried forgetting it, nothing helped. And I was still so heartbroken. I'd have nightmares, I felt so ugly and worthless, my misery would show up as (what I recognize now as irrational,) constant irritation with Stephen, and I'd sometimes cry alone for hours.

Anyway, I finished with explaining that my life was so unstable, and that I was so unstable. That's when she asked: "Have you ever heard of Borderline?" I vaguely remembered the name from a social work class. We went over the criteria in the DSM and decided that I definitely had it, and she prescribed my first antipsychotic (that I'd actually try): Latuda.

It's been a miracle-worker! My social phobia has improved SO much, the depressive episodes have nearly vanished, and I'm 100% less irritated with Stephen. I'm not so irrational and miserable anymore. And, the best news is that I hardly ever think of the ancient cheating "scandal". I have control of my thoughts, I have freedom, I am experiencing life inside my body, in real time. I don't know, I just thought I was alright before, but things are so much better now.
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We're really happy right now!

So we're thinking of having a baby again. I'm taking prenatal chews (not pills, thank goodness!), and thinking of getting off Gabapentin and Buspirone. Maybe in December, but we're still not sure. I don't know what my future holds, or what I am capable of academically. I'd still love to work with dead people, of course, but getting there has been so much more difficult than I imagined, and school is not going well. I dropped out of my 2nd EMT program (but EMT is still great!!!). Should I put my dreams on hold? Will they hang up on me? Stephen would make a fantastic father (and such CUTE babies)! Would it be fun and not suck as much as I think it will? We don't know, but if we try, it will be in December. That's so soon...

July 2016 - August 2016

School is back in session, work is back to half-time, and Fall is coming our way, so Stephen is really happy! He feels alive this time of year. He's studying to become a high school history teacher and, luckily, finds his classes easy this semester. Let's hope for more good grades!

Fall is my favorite time of the year too. It RAINED today!! School has been unreasonably stressful for me. It's been difficult, but Stephen and I take guitar together, and that's been pretty fun!

We decided not to get pregnant this year. We love being a couple too much! I mean, I can't take care of us very well anyway, then the prenatal vitamins were making me almost throw up. We realized I only wanted it because school wasn't going well, we prayed, and it just didn't feel right anymore. But, in hindsight, we were DEFINITELY not ready! We're really happy just being us two! We'll see what the future holds.

April 2016 - June 2016

Things have been a little harder lately.

Stephen finished his semester with good grades! He's gotten his eligibility back, he's back to working full-time, and his employers love him so much they awarded him this transformer mouse for rocking so hard!

We've both been enjoying our Summer, probably because we're indoors, but also because we found an awesome game that we LOVE. It's called Overwatch, and it's made by Blizzard.

These are our shirts. We're crazy about them!

It's not Until Dawn, but it's easily the second-best game ever. Stephen's happy he found a game I enjoy watching him play.

On a sad note, I ended my time with Tim. He's seriously a life-saver. I didn't know people could feel this good. He said my depression would come back (it's recurrent), but that I have the tools to deal with it. Thank you, Tim. Gosh I miss him!

Then I had to quit my job. It was a dream job, but I was breaking down nearly every night. I had huge mouth ulcers, and was falling way behind in school. It was so unfortunate. And then school didn't quite work out either. I caught up and did everything I could and did really well on the final, but was ultimately dismissed for not being able to "easily work with strangers." That was difficult, because I worked really hard to hide my discomfort.

Anyway, that's about it these past few months. Just getting by. We're making it to church more frequently, so we may be sealed soon. Then baby time, I guess. We're thinking of getting pregnant this Fall because doctor and insurance stuff. We'll see!

November 2015 - March 2016

A lot has changed in the past few months - for the better!

Stephen has switched to part time work and full time school. He is doing well in his classes and studying a lot! He's being a good example. He says about these past months: "I have improved as a student and possibly even a husband...?"

I got a temporary job as a floral designer, then a short stint as a puppy deliverer (what a nightmare), and now a full time job at a souvenir-making warehouse. It's a great job! Everyone is a native Spanish speaker, so I'm picking up some Spanish. Also, I'm in an EMT-B class. I haven't told anyone in my family, so I'm excited to surprise. I'm SO stressed and SO busy, but it's good.

Because I'm doing so well, my therapist and I are discussing termination dates. It's profoundly sad, but it had to happen eventually. He's good!

We've been so busy, but we look forward to the coming months (especially graduation)!