January 2017 - February 2018

It's been an entire year. Oh, what a year it was. Should I even talk about everything that happened? Because of choices I made, our relationship has changed. In some ways, for the better. In others, for the worse.

Holidays are usually a painful thing for me, but Stephen did really good this year:

He got me this. It's the 2nd best Valentine's gift he's ever given (it's really hard to top the Too Faced Bon Bons palette)! It may be slow but, compared to our first Valentine's Day together, he's improved.
Thank you, baby!

November 2016 - January 2017

November was kind of nightmarish in that the worst president in American history was elected. We really didn't think it could happen. Also, the depression got worse again. I ended up seeing my psychiatrist one day, and she insisted I go to the hospital.

The hospital was also a nightmare. It was really hard and frustrating to have no control and absolutely no privacy. It was just like a prison. I even had to be naked while they looked over my body for marks and scars. It was horrible. But there were some moments of joy. One morning, the kitchen made really, really good omlettes. They had all kinds of fillings that you pick out yourself and then they tossed it in the egg and put cheese on. It was sooo good! And then church there was one of the closest I'd ever felt to God. It was a chincy setup and only me and one other lady from the full unit (20) came. But we were surrounded by other mentally-ill people. And the sunlight was so bright through the window shades. It was just an unforgetable session, and I even took the sacrament for the first time in years. It felt okay to do so. Everyone was very nice there.

I also got to see Stephen come in a few times to visit! He had a really hard time by himself. It was the longest we'd been apart from eachother since our first date in 2012. He had a bunch of ward members checking on him. It was sweet of them. After a week of torture, I finally got home. 

I like this because it has the medical code for my exact thing! 

I struggled a lot for a bit, got more Latuda and felt great, and now I feel horrible again. I don't know what to do. More Latuda? Different meds altogether? The psychiatrist there said I should be on an antidepressant (she put me on Cymbalta, but I quit that of course), so I'm hoping another one would help without terrible side effects like they usually have.

September 2016 - October 2016

Wow, it's like October didn't even exist!

Things have been changing around here, that's for sure. Stephen got a very expensive gaming laptop, and he loves it! He deserves some nice things every now and then. He's still working hard at Blue Host. They give him so much free stuff! Classes are going well for him, and now we have health and guitar together. He plays the bass line and I play the arpegiated chords for our pieces. It's been fun!

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On September 29th, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was just telling my psychiatric NP how Stephen and I fight (which is always him being 100% chill and me 0% chill) and then, again, how he cheated on me with his ex when we were first dating and I was still devastated. As if it happened yesterday! He has changed completely since then, he's basically a whole other person, yet I still hurt SO much from something that happened almost 4.5 years ago! I thought of it every day. It was in my brain, no matter what I did. I tried forgiving her, praying for peace, I tried forgetting it, nothing helped. And I was still so heartbroken. I'd have nightmares, I felt so ugly and worthless, my misery would show up as (what I recognize now as irrational,) constant irritation with Stephen, and I'd sometimes cry alone for hours.

Anyway, I finished with explaining that my life was so unstable, and that I was so unstable. That's when she asked: "Have you ever heard of Borderline?" I vaguely remembered the name from a social work class. We went over the criteria in the DSM and decided that I definitely had it, and she prescribed my first antipsychotic (that I'd actually try): Latuda.

It's been a miracle-worker! My social phobia has improved SO much, the depressive episodes have nearly vanished, and I'm 100% less irritated with Stephen. I'm not so irrational and miserable anymore. And, the best news is that I hardly ever think of the ancient cheating "scandal". I have control of my thoughts, I have freedom, I am experiencing life inside my body, in real time. I don't know, I just thought I was alright before, but things are so much better now.
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We're really happy right now!

So we're thinking of having a baby again. I'm taking prenatal chews (not pills, thank goodness!), and thinking of getting off Gabapentin and Buspirone. Maybe in December, but we're still not sure. I don't know what my future holds, or what I am capable of academically. I'd still love to work with dead people, of course, but getting there has been so much more difficult than I imagined, and school is not going well. I dropped out of my 2nd EMT program (but EMT is still great!!!). Should I put my dreams on hold? Will they hang up on me? Stephen would make a fantastic father (and such CUTE babies)! Would it be fun and not suck as much as I think it will? We don't know, but if we try, it will be in December. That's so soon...

July 2016 - August 2016

School is back in session, work is back to half-time, and Fall is coming our way, so Stephen is really happy! He feels alive this time of year. He's studying to become a high school history teacher and, luckily, finds his classes easy this semester. Let's hope for more good grades!

Fall is my favorite time of the year too. It RAINED today!! School has been unreasonably stressful for me. It's been difficult, but Stephen and I take guitar together, and that's been pretty fun!

We decided not to get pregnant this year. We love being a couple too much! I mean, I can't take care of us very well anyway, then the prenatal vitamins were making me almost throw up. We realized I only wanted it because school wasn't going well, we prayed, and it just didn't feel right anymore. But, in hindsight, we were DEFINITELY not ready! We're really happy just being us two! We'll see what the future holds.

April 2016 - June 2016

Things have been a little harder lately.

Stephen finished his semester with good grades! He's gotten his eligibility back, he's back to working full-time, and his employers love him so much they awarded him this transformer mouse for rocking so hard!

We've both been enjoying our Summer, probably because we're indoors, but also because we found an awesome game that we LOVE. It's called Overwatch, and it's made by Blizzard.

These are our shirts. We're crazy about them!

It's not Until Dawn, but it's easily the second-best game ever. Stephen's happy he found a game I enjoy watching him play.

On a sad note, I ended my time with Tim. He's seriously a life-saver. I didn't know people could feel this good. He said my depression would come back (it's recurrent), but that I have the tools to deal with it. Thank you, Tim. Gosh I miss him!

Then I had to quit my job. It was a dream job, but I was breaking down nearly every night. I had huge mouth ulcers, and was falling way behind in school. It was so unfortunate. And then school didn't quite work out either. I caught up and did everything I could and did really well on the final, but was ultimately dismissed for not being able to "easily work with strangers." That was difficult, because I worked really hard to hide my discomfort.

Anyway, that's about it these past few months. Just getting by. We're making it to church more frequently, so we may be sealed soon. Then baby time, I guess. We're thinking of getting pregnant this Fall because doctor and insurance stuff. We'll see!

November 2015 - March 2016

A lot has changed in the past few months - for the better!

Stephen has switched to part time work and full time school. He is doing well in his classes and studying a lot! He's being a good example. He says about these past months: "I have improved as a student and possibly even a husband...?"

I got a temporary job as a floral designer, then a short stint as a puppy deliverer (what a nightmare), and now a full time job at a souvenir-making warehouse. It's a great job! Everyone is a native Spanish speaker, so I'm picking up some Spanish. Also, I'm in an EMT-B class. I haven't told anyone in my family, so I'm excited to surprise. I'm SO stressed and SO busy, but it's good.

Because I'm doing so well, my therapist and I are discussing termination dates. It's profoundly sad, but it had to happen eventually. He's good!

We've been so busy, but we look forward to the coming months (especially graduation)!

August 2015 - October 2015

I forgot to mention that our car broke down and DIED in July. The black Mitsubishi Outlander. It was such a good car to us. It was our wedding gift from my parents. And they really gave it to us. We were in charge of it. It was 10 years old, so I didn't feel too bad, but we could've saved a lot of money if we'd just stopped.

That car always had issues with the coolant and radiator. This time, I was driving to pick Stephen up from work. Almost there, I started hearing this noise in tandem with the wheels turning. A rythmic "thump...thump...thump". Okay. Weird. I mentioned it to Stephen as he entered the car. I was worried. He said we should just try driving home. As we left, the sound seemed to get more intense. I quickly pulled over. "Maybe we should call AAA for roadside assistance." I said. Stephen hesitatingly called (he hates calling people almost as much as I do). They said they could only tow.

We tried to decide what to do next. "I don't want to drive this car. I'm scared."

Stephen, having just gotten off a long shift said "Let's just try to get home."

With, I thought, no other option, I started driving again. I tried going slowly, but the sound - even becoming less frequent - got more and more intense. Suddenly, there was this maple smell. I noticed it, but thought it must have been Stephen, or I was going crazy. We were turning onto this busy street and there were cars behind me, so I tried to speed up so as not to annoy them (bad idea). We were approaching a stoplight at an intersection, and then ALL the car lights came on and the breaks and steering wheel just LOCKED. I mean LOCKED. It took all my strength to try not to hit the car in front of us, and I turned the car as much as possible to the right, onto some roadside gravel. We were lucky we'd already slowed down so much, and that there was somewhere to turn off.

I knew something horrible and expensive had happened.

We turned on the hazard lights and circled the car, trying to guess what had happened. I don't think we bothered opening the hood because neither of us knows much about cars. We called AAA (within 5 minutes of our first call, I swear), and told them we'd need a tow. Meanwhile, I had Stephen Google the maple smell. Apparently, he'd smelled it too. Maybe I should've asked. Maybe he should've said something. Oh well.

Something was wrong with the coolant. Of course. We also called one of our best friends for a ride. Again, it would've been smarter to be safe and call for a ride and tow in the first place. We now have a better appreciation of the saying: "Live and Learn". Oh yes...we learned big time.

The car was toast. They didn't explain it well, but it sounded like the pistons had overheated because something was up with the coolant, and they melted to the engine. The actual engine needed to be replaced. We didn't know we had good credit (apparently, I have amazing credit), so we didn't think we'd be able to pay for the $2,000(?) fix, and we knew the actual car was worth less than that, so we bought a new car. It's a blue Hyundai Accent GLS. It's gonna run about $14,000, but we think it'll be worth it.

Unfortunately, that meant that Stephen had to start working full time. I was in no position to work. He just did it. We never even discussed it. I'm so grateful, but I miss him so much. Every day.

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Anyway, we got my PKD tests done in August. Every year, they take a 24 hour pee-collection test and a blood test. The results of which were normal this year. Our doctor sat in his rolly chair and asked us if we'd thought of having kids. I told him we had, but that we didn't know how many or when. He said: "The sooner the better." And then he started talking about this high-risk pregnancy team he knows in Salt lake City. Woah woah woah...we weren't ready for this talk. 

"Do you think we should have kids?" I asked. Many doctors tell their PKD patients not to procreate.

"I try to refrain from telling my patients what to do about something so personal. That's between you and God." He replied. "Unless it would kill the mother, but that's only happened twice. Both of them were kidney patients." Then he told us a story about one of them.

"How old, would you say, is the age limit at which we can have kids?" 

"35."

Oh my goodness. That is 11 years. Maybe. We're not ready for that but, then again, a lot can change in 11 years. I met Stephen at middle school in 2005. In 2015, we've been married for nearly 3 years. So...we'll see. Still kinda...scary. 

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Stephen started his semester at school. Since he is working full time, he can only take 6 credits. Which is good, because we have to pay for them because of his history of bad grades. He's taking a history class and geology. He comes home to tell me about what he's learned, and it's so fun to talk about geology with him. I think we're both glad he took that class! Only like...4 more weeks of class! He's been doing very well. This semester is the first time I've seen him sit down and do homework. Needless to say, we don't take school for granted anymore.

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I dropped out of school. I was doing horribly, and I just didn't care about my classes anymore. I had a hard time caring about anything. My depression, which was starting to get better, just took a nosedive for the worse. I stayed on the couch or in bed most of the day, every day. I felt exhausted. Then, I ran out of medication refills. I couldn't see my psychiatrist because I wasn't a student anymore. I couldn't obtain more, so I tried "ruffin it" without my antidepressants one day. I got a huge headache and I was beginning to freak out just because I knew I wasn't properly medicated. 

So, I left for the ER, and I got a refill. That night, I took my first gabapentin since "the great famine", and I felt a million times better. And that feeling never went away. I felt so much better that I started to get scared. I worry still that it will just stop as suddenly as it came on. But I'm enjoying it while it lasts. It's such a different world. Normal people wouldn't understand. I'm just blown away at how different I feel. It's great! Maybe I can get a job soon!

Which reminds me that this sweet girl in our ward has a father and an uncle who were/are in the funeral business. She gave me her uncle's number, and her dad gave me advice. Her uncle told me to send in my resume and interview with whoever to get in good. I'm so excited, but I have yet to write my resume. Major slacking!

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Stephen has been a star. He's working SO hard and providing for me and Millie. He's been doing well in school, it seems. I've been suddenly better, so I hope to post more things to come - even though the year is almost over. 

OH I ALMOST FORGOT!!!!

I found my favorite videogame of ALL time: Until Dawn

It is magical. I only wish it was longer and that I could forget after each time I play it so I can have a new experience all over again. It is such a perfect, awesome game! We played it with our closest guy friends. Our best friends. And it was such a blast. We were up pretty late finishing it, but it's such a relatively short game. Oh, but it's lovely. So amazing. And, for Halloween, Stephen and I were characters from it: Mike and Hannah.

Good times!