September 2016 - October 2016

Wow, it's like October didn't even exist!

Things have been changing around here, that's for sure. Stephen got a very expensive gaming laptop, and he loves it! He deserves some nice things every now and then. He's still working hard at Blue Host. They give him so much free stuff! Classes are going well for him, and now we have health and guitar together. He plays the bass line and I play the arpegiated chords for our pieces. It's been fun!

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On September 29th, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was just telling my psychiatric NP how Stephen and I fight (which is always him being 100% chill and me 0% chill) and then, again, how he cheated on me with his ex when we were first dating and I was still devastated. As if it happened yesterday! He has changed completely since then, he's basically a whole other person, yet I still hurt SO much from something that happened almost 4.5 years ago! I thought of it every day. It was in my brain, no matter what I did. I tried forgiving her, praying for peace, I tried forgetting it, nothing helped. And I was still so heartbroken. I'd have nightmares, I felt so ugly and worthless, my misery would show up as (what I recognize now as irrational,) constant irritation with Stephen, and I'd sometimes cry alone for hours.

Anyway, I finished with explaining that my life was so unstable, and that I was so unstable. That's when she asked: "Have you ever heard of Borderline?" I vaguely remembered the name from a social work class. We went over the criteria in the DSM and decided that I definitely had it, and she prescribed my first antipsychotic (that I'd actually try): Latuda.

It's been a miracle-worker! My social phobia has improved SO much, the depressive episodes have nearly vanished, and I'm 100% less irritated with Stephen. I'm not so irrational and miserable anymore. And, the best news is that I hardly ever think of the ancient cheating "scandal". I have control of my thoughts, I have freedom, I am experiencing life inside my body, in real time. I don't know, I just thought I was alright before, but things are so much better now.
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We're really happy right now!

So we're thinking of having a baby again. I'm taking prenatal chews (not pills, thank goodness!), and thinking of getting off Gabapentin and Buspirone. Maybe in December, but we're still not sure. I don't know what my future holds, or what I am capable of academically. I'd still love to work with dead people, of course, but getting there has been so much more difficult than I imagined, and school is not going well. I dropped out of my 2nd EMT program (but EMT is still great!!!). Should I put my dreams on hold? Will they hang up on me? Stephen would make a fantastic father (and such CUTE babies)! Would it be fun and not suck as much as I think it will? We don't know, but if we try, it will be in December. That's so soon...