January 2017 - February 2018

It's been an entire year. Oh, what a year it was. Should I even talk about everything that happened? Because of choices I made, our relationship has changed. In some ways, for the better. In others, for the worse.

Holidays are usually a painful thing for me, but Stephen did really good this year:

He got me this. It's the 2nd best Valentine's gift he's ever given (it's really hard to top the Too Faced Bon Bons palette)! It may be slow but, compared to our first Valentine's Day together, he's improved.
Thank you, baby!

November 2016 - January 2017

November was kind of nightmarish in that the worst president in American history was elected. We really didn't think it could happen. Also, the depression got worse again. I ended up seeing my psychiatrist one day, and she insisted I go to the hospital.

The hospital was also a nightmare. It was really hard and frustrating to have no control and absolutely no privacy. It was just like a prison. I even had to be naked while they looked over my body for marks and scars. It was horrible. But there were some moments of joy. One morning, the kitchen made really, really good omlettes. They had all kinds of fillings that you pick out yourself and then they tossed it in the egg and put cheese on. It was sooo good! And then church there was one of the closest I'd ever felt to God. It was a chincy setup and only me and one other lady from the full unit (20) came. But we were surrounded by other mentally-ill people. And the sunlight was so bright through the window shades. It was just an unforgetable session, and I even took the sacrament for the first time in years. It felt okay to do so. Everyone was very nice there.

I also got to see Stephen come in a few times to visit! He had a really hard time by himself. It was the longest we'd been apart from eachother since our first date in 2012. He had a bunch of ward members checking on him. It was sweet of them. After a week of torture, I finally got home. 

I like this because it has the medical code for my exact thing! 

I struggled a lot for a bit, got more Latuda and felt great, and now I feel horrible again. I don't know what to do. More Latuda? Different meds altogether? The psychiatrist there said I should be on an antidepressant (she put me on Cymbalta, but I quit that of course), so I'm hoping another one would help without terrible side effects like they usually have.

September 2016 - October 2016

Wow, it's like October didn't even exist!

Things have been changing around here, that's for sure. Stephen got a very expensive gaming laptop, and he loves it! He deserves some nice things every now and then. He's still working hard at Blue Host. They give him so much free stuff! Classes are going well for him, and now we have health and guitar together. He plays the bass line and I play the arpegiated chords for our pieces. It's been fun!

___________________________________________________________________

On September 29th, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was just telling my psychiatric NP how Stephen and I fight (which is always him being 100% chill and me 0% chill) and then, again, how he cheated on me with his ex when we were first dating and I was still devastated. As if it happened yesterday! He has changed completely since then, he's basically a whole other person, yet I still hurt SO much from something that happened almost 4.5 years ago! I thought of it every day. It was in my brain, no matter what I did. I tried forgiving her, praying for peace, I tried forgetting it, nothing helped. And I was still so heartbroken. I'd have nightmares, I felt so ugly and worthless, my misery would show up as (what I recognize now as irrational,) constant irritation with Stephen, and I'd sometimes cry alone for hours.

Anyway, I finished with explaining that my life was so unstable, and that I was so unstable. That's when she asked: "Have you ever heard of Borderline?" I vaguely remembered the name from a social work class. We went over the criteria in the DSM and decided that I definitely had it, and she prescribed my first antipsychotic (that I'd actually try): Latuda.

It's been a miracle-worker! My social phobia has improved SO much, the depressive episodes have nearly vanished, and I'm 100% less irritated with Stephen. I'm not so irrational and miserable anymore. And, the best news is that I hardly ever think of the ancient cheating "scandal". I have control of my thoughts, I have freedom, I am experiencing life inside my body, in real time. I don't know, I just thought I was alright before, but things are so much better now.
            ___________________________________________________________________

We're really happy right now!

So we're thinking of having a baby again. I'm taking prenatal chews (not pills, thank goodness!), and thinking of getting off Gabapentin and Buspirone. Maybe in December, but we're still not sure. I don't know what my future holds, or what I am capable of academically. I'd still love to work with dead people, of course, but getting there has been so much more difficult than I imagined, and school is not going well. I dropped out of my 2nd EMT program (but EMT is still great!!!). Should I put my dreams on hold? Will they hang up on me? Stephen would make a fantastic father (and such CUTE babies)! Would it be fun and not suck as much as I think it will? We don't know, but if we try, it will be in December. That's so soon...

July 2016 - August 2016

School is back in session, work is back to half-time, and Fall is coming our way, so Stephen is really happy! He feels alive this time of year. He's studying to become a high school history teacher and, luckily, finds his classes easy this semester. Let's hope for more good grades!

Fall is my favorite time of the year too. It RAINED today!! School has been unreasonably stressful for me. It's been difficult, but Stephen and I take guitar together, and that's been pretty fun!

We decided not to get pregnant this year. We love being a couple too much! I mean, I can't take care of us very well anyway, then the prenatal vitamins were making me almost throw up. We realized I only wanted it because school wasn't going well, we prayed, and it just didn't feel right anymore. But, in hindsight, we were DEFINITELY not ready! We're really happy just being us two! We'll see what the future holds.

April 2016 - June 2016

Things have been a little harder lately.

Stephen finished his semester with good grades! He's gotten his eligibility back, he's back to working full-time, and his employers love him so much they awarded him this transformer mouse for rocking so hard!

We've both been enjoying our Summer, probably because we're indoors, but also because we found an awesome game that we LOVE. It's called Overwatch, and it's made by Blizzard.

These are our shirts. We're crazy about them!

It's not Until Dawn, but it's easily the second-best game ever. Stephen's happy he found a game I enjoy watching him play.

On a sad note, I ended my time with Tim. He's seriously a life-saver. I didn't know people could feel this good. He said my depression would come back (it's recurrent), but that I have the tools to deal with it. Thank you, Tim. Gosh I miss him!

Then I had to quit my job. It was a dream job, but I was breaking down nearly every night. I had huge mouth ulcers, and was falling way behind in school. It was so unfortunate. And then school didn't quite work out either. I caught up and did everything I could and did really well on the final, but was ultimately dismissed for not being able to "easily work with strangers." That was difficult, because I worked really hard to hide my discomfort.

Anyway, that's about it these past few months. Just getting by. We're making it to church more frequently, so we may be sealed soon. Then baby time, I guess. We're thinking of getting pregnant this Fall because doctor and insurance stuff. We'll see!

November 2015 - March 2016

A lot has changed in the past few months - for the better!

Stephen has switched to part time work and full time school. He is doing well in his classes and studying a lot! He's being a good example. He says about these past months: "I have improved as a student and possibly even a husband...?"

I got a temporary job as a floral designer, then a short stint as a puppy deliverer (what a nightmare), and now a full time job at a souvenir-making warehouse. It's a great job! Everyone is a native Spanish speaker, so I'm picking up some Spanish. Also, I'm in an EMT-B class. I haven't told anyone in my family, so I'm excited to surprise. I'm SO stressed and SO busy, but it's good.

Because I'm doing so well, my therapist and I are discussing termination dates. It's profoundly sad, but it had to happen eventually. He's good!

We've been so busy, but we look forward to the coming months (especially graduation)!

August 2015 - October 2015

I forgot to mention that our car broke down and DIED in July. The black Mitsubishi Outlander. It was such a good car to us. It was our wedding gift from my parents. And they really gave it to us. We were in charge of it. It was 10 years old, so I didn't feel too bad, but we could've saved a lot of money if we'd just stopped.

That car always had issues with the coolant and radiator. This time, I was driving to pick Stephen up from work. Almost there, I started hearing this noise in tandem with the wheels turning. A rythmic "thump...thump...thump". Okay. Weird. I mentioned it to Stephen as he entered the car. I was worried. He said we should just try driving home. As we left, the sound seemed to get more intense. I quickly pulled over. "Maybe we should call AAA for roadside assistance." I said. Stephen hesitatingly called (he hates calling people almost as much as I do). They said they could only tow.

We tried to decide what to do next. "I don't want to drive this car. I'm scared."

Stephen, having just gotten off a long shift said "Let's just try to get home."

With, I thought, no other option, I started driving again. I tried going slowly, but the sound - even becoming less frequent - got more and more intense. Suddenly, there was this maple smell. I noticed it, but thought it must have been Stephen, or I was going crazy. We were turning onto this busy street and there were cars behind me, so I tried to speed up so as not to annoy them (bad idea). We were approaching a stoplight at an intersection, and then ALL the car lights came on and the breaks and steering wheel just LOCKED. I mean LOCKED. It took all my strength to try not to hit the car in front of us, and I turned the car as much as possible to the right, onto some roadside gravel. We were lucky we'd already slowed down so much, and that there was somewhere to turn off.

I knew something horrible and expensive had happened.

We turned on the hazard lights and circled the car, trying to guess what had happened. I don't think we bothered opening the hood because neither of us knows much about cars. We called AAA (within 5 minutes of our first call, I swear), and told them we'd need a tow. Meanwhile, I had Stephen Google the maple smell. Apparently, he'd smelled it too. Maybe I should've asked. Maybe he should've said something. Oh well.

Something was wrong with the coolant. Of course. We also called one of our best friends for a ride. Again, it would've been smarter to be safe and call for a ride and tow in the first place. We now have a better appreciation of the saying: "Live and Learn". Oh yes...we learned big time.

The car was toast. They didn't explain it well, but it sounded like the pistons had overheated because something was up with the coolant, and they melted to the engine. The actual engine needed to be replaced. We didn't know we had good credit (apparently, I have amazing credit), so we didn't think we'd be able to pay for the $2,000(?) fix, and we knew the actual car was worth less than that, so we bought a new car. It's a blue Hyundai Accent GLS. It's gonna run about $14,000, but we think it'll be worth it.

Unfortunately, that meant that Stephen had to start working full time. I was in no position to work. He just did it. We never even discussed it. I'm so grateful, but I miss him so much. Every day.

__________________________

Anyway, we got my PKD tests done in August. Every year, they take a 24 hour pee-collection test and a blood test. The results of which were normal this year. Our doctor sat in his rolly chair and asked us if we'd thought of having kids. I told him we had, but that we didn't know how many or when. He said: "The sooner the better." And then he started talking about this high-risk pregnancy team he knows in Salt lake City. Woah woah woah...we weren't ready for this talk. 

"Do you think we should have kids?" I asked. Many doctors tell their PKD patients not to procreate.

"I try to refrain from telling my patients what to do about something so personal. That's between you and God." He replied. "Unless it would kill the mother, but that's only happened twice. Both of them were kidney patients." Then he told us a story about one of them.

"How old, would you say, is the age limit at which we can have kids?" 

"35."

Oh my goodness. That is 11 years. Maybe. We're not ready for that but, then again, a lot can change in 11 years. I met Stephen at middle school in 2005. In 2015, we've been married for nearly 3 years. So...we'll see. Still kinda...scary. 

____________________________

Stephen started his semester at school. Since he is working full time, he can only take 6 credits. Which is good, because we have to pay for them because of his history of bad grades. He's taking a history class and geology. He comes home to tell me about what he's learned, and it's so fun to talk about geology with him. I think we're both glad he took that class! Only like...4 more weeks of class! He's been doing very well. This semester is the first time I've seen him sit down and do homework. Needless to say, we don't take school for granted anymore.

____________________________

I dropped out of school. I was doing horribly, and I just didn't care about my classes anymore. I had a hard time caring about anything. My depression, which was starting to get better, just took a nosedive for the worse. I stayed on the couch or in bed most of the day, every day. I felt exhausted. Then, I ran out of medication refills. I couldn't see my psychiatrist because I wasn't a student anymore. I couldn't obtain more, so I tried "ruffin it" without my antidepressants one day. I got a huge headache and I was beginning to freak out just because I knew I wasn't properly medicated. 

So, I left for the ER, and I got a refill. That night, I took my first gabapentin since "the great famine", and I felt a million times better. And that feeling never went away. I felt so much better that I started to get scared. I worry still that it will just stop as suddenly as it came on. But I'm enjoying it while it lasts. It's such a different world. Normal people wouldn't understand. I'm just blown away at how different I feel. It's great! Maybe I can get a job soon!

Which reminds me that this sweet girl in our ward has a father and an uncle who were/are in the funeral business. She gave me her uncle's number, and her dad gave me advice. Her uncle told me to send in my resume and interview with whoever to get in good. I'm so excited, but I have yet to write my resume. Major slacking!

____________________________

Stephen has been a star. He's working SO hard and providing for me and Millie. He's been doing well in school, it seems. I've been suddenly better, so I hope to post more things to come - even though the year is almost over. 

OH I ALMOST FORGOT!!!!

I found my favorite videogame of ALL time: Until Dawn

It is magical. I only wish it was longer and that I could forget after each time I play it so I can have a new experience all over again. It is such a perfect, awesome game! We played it with our closest guy friends. Our best friends. And it was such a blast. We were up pretty late finishing it, but it's such a relatively short game. Oh, but it's lovely. So amazing. And, for Halloween, Stephen and I were characters from it: Mike and Hannah.

Good times!

April 2015 - July 2015

It's been four months! It's been so incredibly hectic. My apologies.

I guess all that happened of note in April is that I had one of the worst days of my life. To make a LONG story brief, Stephen went to the dentist to get some work done, and he went into shock as he was getting his x-rays. He started making this weird sound, so I got up to see him lax and cyanotic, with his eyes rolled back. The dental tech lady said he'd had a seizure, and I shouted for someone to come help. He was "fine" as soon as he regained consciousness and threw up a few times, but was checked out by a few sets of EMTs, some firefighters, and a cop. He kept apologizing for scaring me! Needless to say, I made him take the day off and be with me.

I was also started on bupropion (again) for depression. Apparently, people with anxiety will have palpitations if they aren't slowly introduced to bupropion. It's helped tremendously in some areas, but not as much with the actual depression. It's helped enough (I'm not nearly as suicidal), but I wish I could feel better. I still feel terrible most of the time. They're both recommending anti-psychotics at this point.

To help further, my therapist prescribed an emotional support animal. I was very, very excited. I'd been looking at kitties ever since I brought up the idea of an ESA. Unfortunately, the day after I got my letter, there were no cats at Petsmart. So, in desperation, we went to Animal Ark. There were only the orange kittens I'd seen a few days before.

Without thinking (or breathing!), we got a kitten. I cried as soon as we got home. I felt so guilty for not getting the rescue cats. Now we had this tiny orange kitten we didn't connect with. We'd made a huge mistake. The kitten was a great little kitten, but he had a biting problem. He was always biting us. He was so full of energy. I later learned how young he was. He was a tiny baby, so he didn't have time to learn not to bite from his littermates.

We tried. We really, really did, but he was just too much for us. We ended up giving him to a girl whose 20 year old orange cat had just died. She also had a little puppy with whom August (what we named the orange kitten) became instant buddies. I was SO happy a good home came along for him! He was a sweet boy.

After we gave him up, we took a small break to rest and think. We sunk well over $100 on a kitten that, deep down, we knew we didn't connect with. We got a new sectional sofa because we were tired of our leather loveseat. We just had some peace and quiet in our apartment. 

We decided to go with an older cat. Stephen was done with kittens. August was his first experience owning a kitten. They're not all that crazy! August was way too much of a party animal for us. 

Anyway, that's when we went to the SUVAS to get a rescue cat. We just drove there, walked in, and said we were there to look at some cats. The lady looked up at us with some level of frustration and said: "Do you want a kitten?"

"No, no" Stephen said, holding his hands up. "We want a cat.". 

Her eyes softened. "We have cats here and in the back, but you can't buy any of them today. We close at 6pm." It was kitten season, and I'm sure they'd seen plenty of people come in to buy kittens for their significant others only to return the adults they become later. A lot of people don't understand that a kitten is a 10+ commitment, and it's not a kitten for most of that time.

We looked at all the cats of all ages. I saw so many adorable kittens that I just longed for. I saw a few cats who seemed like a good fit for us. Stephen looked at this longhaired black and white cat "Ember" for a long time. He asked me what I thought, and I replied that she was okay. 

We looked at all the cats. And, when I turned the corner, I saw these crystal blue eyes peeking out from this black abyss. She was a young siamese cat with a dark brown face and brownish body with dark brown mits and tail. She was just too cute. I knew I wanted her. I even picked out a name. We were going to get her the next day. 

The next day came and we took her out to play with in another room, a "getting to know you" room, so to speak. She was shedding a LOT because she was stressed. She rubbed up on us and explored. She was beautiful, but something didn't feel right. I just didn't feel a connection again. I was heartbroken because I so wanted to. But then again, what if I was just worrying because of the daunting decision of adding a family member?

Stephen noticed something was wrong and suggested we look at other cats. I couldn't face all those poor kitties again, so we looked in the front glass enclosure. It was filled with the meows of kittens, but it was still less unsettling than the back room. There was "Ember" and a chill black cat amidst all the tiny, frantic kittens. Stephen pointed her out again, and I agreed to meet her.

As I carried her to the other room, I noticed her body was not as stiff and foreign-feeling as the other cat. We set her down, and that's when I noticed Stephen crying. I asked him what was up, and he replied: "I'm just so happy. I love her. I really love her." How could I say no to that?! So we decided to get her then and there. We waited with her in the room while the paperwork was finalized and we found a name for her. This is Millicent: 

It's hard to capture on camera, but she has the greenest eyes. She's very, very chatty. Very shy around strangers. Skittish, so adorable, and clingy. She's a good little cat. Very petite cat. We call her Millie. She looks kind of like Milo, and that's what I like most about her. Oh, and she LOVES Stephen!

February 2015 - March 2015

February went by super quickly. I finished my volunteer training, Stephen continued work and school, and we both celebrated our 4th valentines day together. We actually realized it was our 5th together. Remember our orchestra/choir tour? 5th. That's crazy!

March was interesting. I began CBT therapy. It was supposed to be DBT, but the groups were full. Regardless, my therapist is trained in both, so it seems to be fine. It's been better than seeing a school therapist by far.

I've been looking into getting an emotional support animal. My psychiatrist said it would be a good idea, but that the school would get in trouble if the animal caused damage. So far, I've seen nothing to corroborate that, but I didn't want to push it. My therapist also said it would be a good idea (a great idea, even), but he seemed to be under the impression that only my psychiatrist could prescribe one. So, I'm going to try to tell them both about the laws and see if they'd be comfortable prescribing one.

I also think it would be a good idea because of how much it's helped to have A VIOLA!!!

Yup, Stephen bought me a viola. Unfortunately, because of my sleeping schedule, I haven't been able to play it much, but it's been fun. It's SO beautiful - especially with the new strings on! This feels a bit over-dramatic to say, but I feel like I have an identity again. Before, I had nothing I love besides Stephen. Honestly, I think I got this gift so Stephen could have some more time to himself! Anyway, it's gorgeous, and Stephen is amazing. 

Stephen has been working hard. He recently earned $20 in commission, and a gift card to a virtual gaming store. He's been doing a great job of supporting us both financially. Also, we celebrated his birthday by going to Roy's Pizza in Ephraim!

Road Trip

It was good!

Stephen's father and younger siblings came to visit for a few days. We didn't see each other much but, when we did, it was nice. We definitely got some good pictures in, at least.

It was an extremely bright day, but not as bright as those smiles!

Anyway, things have been surprisingly stable in the Stannard household. Not easy, not perfect, but certainly stable. And, I think, better. So we're pretty happy with that. 

January 2015

New years are the best. The beginning of a new year is a great time to evaluate where you are and where you want to be, how you're going to get there, and start anew.

Needless to say, I've made some "goals" for this year. I want to get involved in service. I want to be more forgiving to myself and others. Let myself be more loving. Get healthier. There are a bunch but, overall, I just want to improve. There is always room for improvement!

I'm still in school and I hope to graduate this year with an AS in Criminal Justice. It's not going too well so far, but I'm trying. I'm happy to say that I'm signed up for volunteer training at a local shelter for women and children victims of domestic violence and sexual assault.

Stephen's only goal is to do well in school. He's doing well in most other areas of life. He has a job working 30 hours a week. He makes pretty decent money. He's a fantastic person. He's also taking 6 credits at the university. He's much happier with school because he's finally changed his major from Computer Programming to History Education.

While he won't earn as much money with this major, he'll be doing something he actually cares about. The subject matter seems to come more easily to him, so that's a cherry on top! I'm really proud of him for doing something he's interested in and something that will make him happy.

As for everything else, we want to be sealed to each other this year. We're really getting antsy for a child. Not that it can happen soon, but it's fun to think about!

December 2014

December was one of those refining months. It was a very hard month emotionally, but there were good times to be had.

This was our first Christmas in our own apartment, so I got to decorate!

Purple tree, pink lights, pink butterflies, purple wrapping paper.

Stephen got a few presents, but I think his favorite is this shirt I finally got him.

Miskatonic university is a fictitious establishment from the books of pulp horror author; H.P. Lovecraft. Stephen is almost obsessed with his works, and he's wanted this shirt for forever!

We're still trying to figure out holidays as a married couple. Of course we spent the majority of this Christmas together and it was awesome, but the day got older and we had presents to give. I decided to go to my family's house and Stephen went to his. It didn't last long because the weather was crazy! It was snowing so badly that, soon after I made it to my parents' apartment, most of us decided to drive home before the roads got worse. And we missed each other so much! It was basically the loneliest 2 hours I've spent since we were married. We both agreed to never do that again. We'll see what happens next year.

The next day, we celebrated our 2 year anniversary! I woke up with the very-recognizable symptoms of a UTI. I get them all the time. In fact, I was waaaay overdue for one. And, even though I only had one that year, it was predictable that it would happen on the day of our anniversary. They did the usual testing and, of course, confirmed my suspicions.

It wasn't so bad because it reminded me of our wedding vows. In sickness and in health. And these sort of things always happen to us. But that doesn't mean awesome things don't happen too! When I was making the hotel reservation, I noted what we were celebrating (mainly so they'd put us in a room away from other guests). Well, when we checked in, they congratulated us and apparently gave us an upgraded room free-of-charge!

Free lounge room, basically!

We wanted to make a tradition of going out to eat, getting a regular hotel room, and eating at Wendys the next morning. We did that on our wedding night, we did that for our first anniversary, and we did it for the second but, after talking it over the next day, we decided that we don't really like hotel rooms. We used to, but I think when we have a perfectly good apartment, there is no reason for a hotel room. It's foreign, the comfort of the bed is always a toss-up, and we have cable and privacy at home. Hotels are basically obsolete now. We're excited to try something new next year. Maybe a cruise? I wish! 

After all is said and done, I'm so happy 2014 is over. It was a terrible year for me. Stephen liked it. He says he "grew a lot and made a lot of important discoveries". Aw! 

November 2014

I looked, but I don't have any pictures for this month!

There isn't much to say. I've been seeing a therapist and getting medication under control...trying to deal with all of the nonsense that comes with the territory of seeking help. Stephen has been working very hard at his new job. He's there from 5pm to 11pm (often up to half an hour later) and it's sad. We miss each other a lot and our sleeping schedule is insane now, but we're happy with the money he's making - it makes life a lot easier to not worry about money all the time, and he likes having a job that actually aids people. He's a bit frustrated with his performance, but I keep reminding him that he's new, so he'll get the hang of it.

We're both doing pretty poorly in school, but John, my therapist, is telling me he's happy to write letters to my teachers. It wasn't necessary, as most of them didn't ask questions, but I appreciated that. As for Stephen, there isn't much he can do at this point. His work schedule is too intrusive for him to do both. I know some people can do both, but neither of us is one of those types of people. Hopefully, he'll be able to sign up for a class or two next semester or get some time off work.

Another thing, we really want to move! I absolutely hate driving Stephen across the valley to work. I'm highly concerned about climate change, so it feels hypocritical and wrong to drive that distance 4 times a day! I also think it would be better for Stephen to be able to walk to work and get some movement in. He is sitting for most of the day. I worry about him.

Anyway, Stephen is handling the stress of his new job very well. I couldn't be more proud of him for his tenacity. He's a beautiful creature, that's for sure. I'm not doing as well, but there is a lot of work to be done on my part. We'll see!

October 2014

October was a pretty eventful month for us! Stephen got the job (of course) and has been working 40 hours a week for two weeks! He passed his test and now has one more week of training to go before he can slow down to 20 hours a week. I mean, I like the bacon, but I miss my sweetheart! 

Stephen also got me an early birthday present: an acoustic guitar. His name is Allistar.

One day, I had a bad hankering for some animal interaction, so we took advantage of the local attraction called Hee Haw Farms. Unfortunately, we didn't realize it was definitely geared toward little kids rather than adults.

Still good though.

This guy kept following us.

He was so cute!

There were also tons of tiny baby pigs! They were the best part of that experience by far, at least for me. I think Stephen's favorite was the hayride.

I finally went to the school's health clinic to get some treatment for my mental health. The policy is to visit a school therapist first, to make sure you actually need medical attention as there is only one psychiatric NP for an entire student body. I ended up taking a 300 question test and speaking briefly with the therapist. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder with hypervigilance. My NP appointment is set for November 5th. 

This month has been so busy for us, but we're making a lot of progress toward better things. I'm so proud of Stephen for all of his hard work. He's been very organized and focused as of late, yet he still manages to take care of all my needs. I love him! And we're so excited for November! 

September 2014

Not a lot happened in September (at least not many things we could take pictures of). PKD awareness day went along without a hiccup. Not many people shared, commented, or even liked anything we posted, but a few did, and that was more than I expected. I was a happy camper, as long as it at least raised some awareness.

Then it was my dad's birthday party. It's his 60th, so it was kinda special. We took him to Antelope Island and saw a bunch of buffalo and tried buffalo burgers. They were gross, but at least I tried it. I found some men's underwear in the salt flats. It was cool!

I was going to take them home, but my ride refused for some reason.

Stephen couldn't make it, since he worked during our trip. He's been advancing through adulthood rather rapidly this month. While he's still working about 10 hours a week, he's going to school and keeping up with his homework. He recently applied to a web adviser position with a local, but very big, website company. I'm not sure quite what they do, but they're apparently a big deal. He'll be working about 20 hours a week for $14.50 an hour - which is twice as much as he earns now. We have our fingers crossed. 

Like I said, he's really pushing the envelope and he's doing it with a smile. Perhaps it's to make up for the extra load. I've quit my job with Papa Johns and am now an official housewife. Don't tell anyone, but it's actually not that bad. I can see why so many women look forward to this. And I've gotten this weird drive to be a mother. I know it's awhile away, but that doesn't stop me from being excited about it for some reason. I just want to pass on his genes. It's totally scientific. 

Overall, September was not as good as we were hoping. Things have gotten really hard for me and my mental state, but Stephen is flourishing, so at least we have that to be grateful for. Heck, we have a lot to be grateful for! And how about that rain? We love it. We absolutely love it. 

July 2014 - August 2014

July and August went by pretty quickly, thank goodness. Summer is hard for us because it's so hot and we just feel gross and out of place. So it makes some sense that it's been difficult for me lately. I have a wonderful rock of a husband. He may have his flaws, as everyone does, but if there is one thing I appreciate most about him, it's his resilience to stress. He's oblivious to the little things I obsess over. It's really amazing. 

But anyway, that's why there aren't many photos. I've been doing a lot of wallowing, but that doesn't mean everything has been bad! We're going to UVU. Stephen is, as always, studying computer programming. I'm studying criminal justice again. That doesn't mean I don't want to do mortuary science. I still miss it a lot sometimes, but geographically with Stephen in Orem, it just couldn't be done. Also, I'm really worried about lifting bodies. My back ain't as good as it used to be, and I don't see it getting better. Of course I'm happy, but I wonder what could've been. My math requirements would definitely be easier, that's for sure!

Good news is that things are getting better all the time! I got bangs again and a short haircut. Everyone likes it, but it took awhile for me. I ordered some new glasses to replace my broken ones. I'll post a picture in September. September 4th is PKD awareness day, so that's exciting. Stephen is getting his laptop fixed, so he'll be pleased. He also got a videogame he's lusted after. I was hesitant about it, but I like it too. Things are good, and they're getting better quickly. We love Fall! We're so happy it's here. September will be awesome!

June 2014

Well, June happened, and we got our brother back.

Studs.

I made a pretty dumb sign. Everyone else liked it though, so I'm happy! 

So that's basically it. We've been playing with our brother and friends. We're still working at Papa Johns, only that will change for me soon because I landed a janitor job that pays better and gives me more hours. We'll be making college-student BANK! Stephen got an A- in the class that he hated this summer. We're just doing surprisingly well somehow. I think I know who to thank for that. Here's to June, and an even better July! 

March 2014 - May 2014

So things have been pretty rocky, as far as everything but our marriage goes. I've been pretty down and just feeling awful, but I can apply for the mortuary science program this fall/winter! So that's exciting. I just have to get into Math 1010. Stephen is pushing through Summer school. And we're both working as much as possible, which isn't much during the Summer. I'm worried about money. I really miss Milo. I miss having something to love that will love me back. I guess maybe I'm just lonely. 

So we rented Chance.

We love him!

I got some books to read. 

Mostly because I'm so bored and I really like Corpse at least, but never finished it.

We also went to the Hogle Zoo. 

Gorilla posing for the camera.

I also had an incident. On Mother's Day, I woke up unable to lay on my back or stomach without excruciating pain. I took painkillers, but nothing was happening. I could only lay on the bed in fetal position, I couldn't get up. It was the worst pain I've ever been in in my entire life, and it wasn't going away, so we went to the emergency room. I went in saying I was having abdominal pain, and they were only somewhat concerned, and I figured it relevant to say that I have PKD. That lit a fire for some reason. I was rushed into a room and promptly given Morphine, which is my new love. This is the attempt at getting a good stick. I have a long history of being a hard stick, so I told them my phlebotomist uses butterfly needles, and the lady insisted on using a regular one higher up. Clearly, it didn't work. And I had a cool bruise for awhile.

They did an ultrasound and I got to see my cysts again. "Hello, cysts." Everything was fine with my liver and I guess nothing notable about the cysts, so we still don't know quite what happened. The support groups said it was definitely a cyst burst. I took an Amitiza the night before, but I've done that multiple times and this has never happened. I don't know. Now I have bills. And it's another stressor in my life. 

Stephen has been wonderful though. He is supportive of me and the best. I've gotten him hooked on Forensic Files and we sometimes watch People's Court together. I just love him and I can't imagine going through this without him. 

December 2013 - February 2014

Geewhiz I'm having a hard time keeping this up. Anyway, we celebrated our first anniversary together at a hotel. It was awesome. I love hotels.

We also took some pictures and went on a date at some fancy place. 

I got a replacement ring since the old one is too big now. It's obviously CZ, don't get it twisted.

I got a lot of bruises shoveling ice off a driveway with Stephen. A sign that I am, indeed, dying. 

Easy bruising

Speaking of which, March is PKD and kidney disease awareness month!

We also moved into our own apartment in February!!!

Bathroom

I painted some signs because I am bored to death sometimes. 

Also, I'm trying to get into woodworking.

This was for Valentine's day.

Then we went to all-you-can-eat sushi!!!

With us moving in though, we had to give up my sweet, sweet baby. I miss him so much! I'm going crazy without my Milo. I just hope he's happy wherever he is. I love that little guy.

I also dyed my hair. This was not my intended look, but it turned out okay, actually. I now have black, red, and blonde hair.

With some pink added, of course!

Stephen got a haircut as well. Isn't he CUTE???

Couple Time!

Kiss Time!

The End.

Epilogue: Steve is at UVU right now, charming the pants off his teachers - they seriously love him. He's so smart! He's getting good grades and is so good at making pizza. Oh yeah, we work at Papa John's now. I'm doing as horribly as ever at school - which is to say that I'm getting A's in the classes I care about and F's in all the others.