November 2015 - March 2016

A lot has changed in the past few months - for the better!

Stephen has switched to part time work and full time school. He is doing well in his classes and studying a lot! He's being a good example. He says about these past months: "I have improved as a student and possibly even a husband...?"

I got a temporary job as a floral designer, then a short stint as a puppy deliverer (what a nightmare), and now a full time job at a souvenir-making warehouse. It's a great job! Everyone is a native Spanish speaker, so I'm picking up some Spanish. Also, I'm in an EMT-B class. I haven't told anyone in my family, so I'm excited to surprise. I'm SO stressed and SO busy, but it's good.

Because I'm doing so well, my therapist and I are discussing termination dates. It's profoundly sad, but it had to happen eventually. He's good!

We've been so busy, but we look forward to the coming months (especially graduation)!

August 2015 - October 2015

I forgot to mention that our car broke down and DIED in July. The black Mitsubishi Outlander. It was such a good car to us. It was our wedding gift from my parents. And they really gave it to us. We were in charge of it. It was 10 years old, so I didn't feel too bad, but we could've saved a lot of money if we'd just stopped.

That car always had issues with the coolant and radiator. This time, I was driving to pick Stephen up from work. Almost there, I started hearing this noise in tandem with the wheels turning. A rythmic "thump...thump...thump". Okay. Weird. I mentioned it to Stephen as he entered the car. I was worried. He said we should just try driving home. As we left, the sound seemed to get more intense. I quickly pulled over. "Maybe we should call AAA for roadside assistance." I said. Stephen hesitatingly called (he hates calling people almost as much as I do). They said they could only tow.

We tried to decide what to do next. "I don't want to drive this car. I'm scared."

Stephen, having just gotten off a long shift said "Let's just try to get home."

With, I thought, no other option, I started driving again. I tried going slowly, but the sound - even becoming less frequent - got more and more intense. Suddenly, there was this maple smell. I noticed it, but thought it must have been Stephen, or I was going crazy. We were turning onto this busy street and there were cars behind me, so I tried to speed up so as not to annoy them (bad idea). We were approaching a stoplight at an intersection, and then ALL the car lights came on and the breaks and steering wheel just LOCKED. I mean LOCKED. It took all my strength to try not to hit the car in front of us, and I turned the car as much as possible to the right, onto some roadside gravel. We were lucky we'd already slowed down so much, and that there was somewhere to turn off.

I knew something horrible and expensive had happened.

We turned on the hazard lights and circled the car, trying to guess what had happened. I don't think we bothered opening the hood because neither of us knows much about cars. We called AAA (within 5 minutes of our first call, I swear), and told them we'd need a tow. Meanwhile, I had Stephen Google the maple smell. Apparently, he'd smelled it too. Maybe I should've asked. Maybe he should've said something. Oh well.

Something was wrong with the coolant. Of course. We also called one of our best friends for a ride. Again, it would've been smarter to be safe and call for a ride and tow in the first place. We now have a better appreciation of the saying: "Live and Learn". Oh yes...we learned big time.

The car was toast. They didn't explain it well, but it sounded like the pistons had overheated because something was up with the coolant, and they melted to the engine. The actual engine needed to be replaced. We didn't know we had good credit (apparently, I have amazing credit), so we didn't think we'd be able to pay for the $2,000(?) fix, and we knew the actual car was worth less than that, so we bought a new car. It's a blue Hyundai Accent GLS. It's gonna run about $14,000, but we think it'll be worth it.

Unfortunately, that meant that Stephen had to start working full time. I was in no position to work. He just did it. We never even discussed it. I'm so grateful, but I miss him so much. Every day.

__________________________

Anyway, we got my PKD tests done in August. Every year, they take a 24 hour pee-collection test and a blood test. The results of which were normal this year. Our doctor sat in his rolly chair and asked us if we'd thought of having kids. I told him we had, but that we didn't know how many or when. He said: "The sooner the better." And then he started talking about this high-risk pregnancy team he knows in Salt lake City. Woah woah woah...we weren't ready for this talk. 

"Do you think we should have kids?" I asked. Many doctors tell their PKD patients not to procreate.

"I try to refrain from telling my patients what to do about something so personal. That's between you and God." He replied. "Unless it would kill the mother, but that's only happened twice. Both of them were kidney patients." Then he told us a story about one of them.

"How old, would you say, is the age limit at which we can have kids?" 

"35."

Oh my goodness. That is 11 years. Maybe. We're not ready for that but, then again, a lot can change in 11 years. I met Stephen at middle school in 2005. In 2015, we've been married for nearly 3 years. So...we'll see. Still kinda...scary. 

____________________________

Stephen started his semester at school. Since he is working full time, he can only take 6 credits. Which is good, because we have to pay for them because of his history of bad grades. He's taking a history class and geology. He comes home to tell me about what he's learned, and it's so fun to talk about geology with him. I think we're both glad he took that class! Only like...4 more weeks of class! He's been doing very well. This semester is the first time I've seen him sit down and do homework. Needless to say, we don't take school for granted anymore.

____________________________

I dropped out of school. I was doing horribly, and I just didn't care about my classes anymore. I had a hard time caring about anything. My depression, which was starting to get better, just took a nosedive for the worse. I stayed on the couch or in bed most of the day, every day. I felt exhausted. Then, I ran out of medication refills. I couldn't see my psychiatrist because I wasn't a student anymore. I couldn't obtain more, so I tried "ruffin it" without my antidepressants one day. I got a huge headache and I was beginning to freak out just because I knew I wasn't properly medicated. 

So, I left for the ER, and I got a refill. That night, I took my first gabapentin since "the great famine", and I felt a million times better. And that feeling never went away. I felt so much better that I started to get scared. I worry still that it will just stop as suddenly as it came on. But I'm enjoying it while it lasts. It's such a different world. Normal people wouldn't understand. I'm just blown away at how different I feel. It's great! Maybe I can get a job soon!

Which reminds me that this sweet girl in our ward has a father and an uncle who were/are in the funeral business. She gave me her uncle's number, and her dad gave me advice. Her uncle told me to send in my resume and interview with whoever to get in good. I'm so excited, but I have yet to write my resume. Major slacking!

____________________________

Stephen has been a star. He's working SO hard and providing for me and Millie. He's been doing well in school, it seems. I've been suddenly better, so I hope to post more things to come - even though the year is almost over. 

OH I ALMOST FORGOT!!!!

I found my favorite videogame of ALL time: Until Dawn

It is magical. I only wish it was longer and that I could forget after each time I play it so I can have a new experience all over again. It is such a perfect, awesome game! We played it with our closest guy friends. Our best friends. And it was such a blast. We were up pretty late finishing it, but it's such a relatively short game. Oh, but it's lovely. So amazing. And, for Halloween, Stephen and I were characters from it: Mike and Hannah.

Good times!

April 2015 - July 2015

It's been four months! It's been so incredibly hectic. My apologies.

I guess all that happened of note in April is that I had one of the worst days of my life. To make a LONG story brief, Stephen went to the dentist to get some work done, and he went into shock as he was getting his x-rays. He started making this weird sound, so I got up to see him lax and cyanotic, with his eyes rolled back. The dental tech lady said he'd had a seizure, and I shouted for someone to come help. He was "fine" as soon as he regained consciousness and threw up a few times, but was checked out by a few sets of EMTs, some firefighters, and a cop. He kept apologizing for scaring me! Needless to say, I made him take the day off and be with me.

I was also started on bupropion (again) for depression. Apparently, people with anxiety will have palpitations if they aren't slowly introduced to bupropion. It's helped tremendously in some areas, but not as much with the actual depression. It's helped enough (I'm not nearly as suicidal), but I wish I could feel better. I still feel terrible most of the time. They're both recommending anti-psychotics at this point.

To help further, my therapist prescribed an emotional support animal. I was very, very excited. I'd been looking at kitties ever since I brought up the idea of an ESA. Unfortunately, the day after I got my letter, there were no cats at Petsmart. So, in desperation, we went to Animal Ark. There were only the orange kittens I'd seen a few days before.

Without thinking (or breathing!), we got a kitten. I cried as soon as we got home. I felt so guilty for not getting the rescue cats. Now we had this tiny orange kitten we didn't connect with. We'd made a huge mistake. The kitten was a great little kitten, but he had a biting problem. He was always biting us. He was so full of energy. I later learned how young he was. He was a tiny baby, so he didn't have time to learn not to bite from his littermates.

We tried. We really, really did, but he was just too much for us. We ended up giving him to a girl whose 20 year old orange cat had just died. She also had a little puppy with whom August (what we named the orange kitten) became instant buddies. I was SO happy a good home came along for him! He was a sweet boy.

After we gave him up, we took a small break to rest and think. We sunk well over $100 on a kitten that, deep down, we knew we didn't connect with. We got a new sectional sofa because we were tired of our leather loveseat. We just had some peace and quiet in our apartment. 

We decided to go with an older cat. Stephen was done with kittens. August was his first experience owning a kitten. They're not all that crazy! August was way too much of a party animal for us. 

Anyway, that's when we went to the SUVAS to get a rescue cat. We just drove there, walked in, and said we were there to look at some cats. The lady looked up at us with some level of frustration and said: "Do you want a kitten?"

"No, no" Stephen said, holding his hands up. "We want a cat.". 

Her eyes softened. "We have cats here and in the back, but you can't buy any of them today. We close at 6pm." It was kitten season, and I'm sure they'd seen plenty of people come in to buy kittens for their significant others only to return the adults they become later. A lot of people don't understand that a kitten is a 10+ commitment, and it's not a kitten for most of that time.

We looked at all the cats of all ages. I saw so many adorable kittens that I just longed for. I saw a few cats who seemed like a good fit for us. Stephen looked at this longhaired black and white cat "Ember" for a long time. He asked me what I thought, and I replied that she was okay. 

We looked at all the cats. And, when I turned the corner, I saw these crystal blue eyes peeking out from this black abyss. She was a young siamese cat with a dark brown face and brownish body with dark brown mits and tail. She was just too cute. I knew I wanted her. I even picked out a name. We were going to get her the next day. 

The next day came and we took her out to play with in another room, a "getting to know you" room, so to speak. She was shedding a LOT because she was stressed. She rubbed up on us and explored. She was beautiful, but something didn't feel right. I just didn't feel a connection again. I was heartbroken because I so wanted to. But then again, what if I was just worrying because of the daunting decision of adding a family member?

Stephen noticed something was wrong and suggested we look at other cats. I couldn't face all those poor kitties again, so we looked in the front glass enclosure. It was filled with the meows of kittens, but it was still less unsettling than the back room. There was "Ember" and a chill black cat amidst all the tiny, frantic kittens. Stephen pointed her out again, and I agreed to meet her.

As I carried her to the other room, I noticed her body was not as stiff and foreign-feeling as the other cat. We set her down, and that's when I noticed Stephen crying. I asked him what was up, and he replied: "I'm just so happy. I love her. I really love her." How could I say no to that?! So we decided to get her then and there. We waited with her in the room while the paperwork was finalized and we found a name for her. This is Millicent: 

It's hard to capture on camera, but she has the greenest eyes. She's very, very chatty. Very shy around strangers. Skittish, so adorable, and clingy. She's a good little cat. Very petite cat. We call her Millie. She looks kind of like Milo, and that's what I like most about her. Oh, and she LOVES Stephen!

February 2015 - March 2015

February went by super quickly. I finished my volunteer training, Stephen continued work and school, and we both celebrated our 4th valentines day together. We actually realized it was our 5th together. Remember our orchestra/choir tour? 5th. That's crazy!

March was interesting. I began CBT therapy. It was supposed to be DBT, but the groups were full. Regardless, my therapist is trained in both, so it seems to be fine. It's been better than seeing a school therapist by far.

I've been looking into getting an emotional support animal. My psychiatrist said it would be a good idea, but that the school would get in trouble if the animal caused damage. So far, I've seen nothing to corroborate that, but I didn't want to push it. My therapist also said it would be a good idea (a great idea, even), but he seemed to be under the impression that only my psychiatrist could prescribe one. So, I'm going to try to tell them both about the laws and see if they'd be comfortable prescribing one.

I also think it would be a good idea because of how much it's helped to have A VIOLA!!!

Yup, Stephen bought me a viola. Unfortunately, because of my sleeping schedule, I haven't been able to play it much, but it's been fun. It's SO beautiful - especially with the new strings on! This feels a bit over-dramatic to say, but I feel like I have an identity again. Before, I had nothing I love besides Stephen. Honestly, I think I got this gift so Stephen could have some more time to himself! Anyway, it's gorgeous, and Stephen is amazing. 

Stephen has been working hard. He recently earned $20 in commission, and a gift card to a virtual gaming store. He's been doing a great job of supporting us both financially. Also, we celebrated his birthday by going to Roy's Pizza in Ephraim!

Road Trip

It was good!

Stephen's father and younger siblings came to visit for a few days. We didn't see each other much but, when we did, it was nice. We definitely got some good pictures in, at least.

It was an extremely bright day, but not as bright as those smiles!

Anyway, things have been surprisingly stable in the Stannard household. Not easy, not perfect, but certainly stable. And, I think, better. So we're pretty happy with that. 

January 2015

New years are the best. The beginning of a new year is a great time to evaluate where you are and where you want to be, how you're going to get there, and start anew.

Needless to say, I've made some "goals" for this year. I want to get involved in service. I want to be more forgiving to myself and others. Let myself be more loving. Get healthier. There are a bunch but, overall, I just want to improve. There is always room for improvement!

I'm still in school and I hope to graduate this year with an AS in Criminal Justice. It's not going too well so far, but I'm trying. I'm happy to say that I'm signed up for volunteer training at a local shelter for women and children victims of domestic violence and sexual assault.

Stephen's only goal is to do well in school. He's doing well in most other areas of life. He has a job working 30 hours a week. He makes pretty decent money. He's a fantastic person. He's also taking 6 credits at the university. He's much happier with school because he's finally changed his major from Computer Programming to History Education.

While he won't earn as much money with this major, he'll be doing something he actually cares about. The subject matter seems to come more easily to him, so that's a cherry on top! I'm really proud of him for doing something he's interested in and something that will make him happy.

As for everything else, we want to be sealed to each other this year. We're really getting antsy for a child. Not that it can happen soon, but it's fun to think about!

December 2014

December was one of those refining months. It was a very hard month emotionally, but there were good times to be had.

This was our first Christmas in our own apartment, so I got to decorate!

Purple tree, pink lights, pink butterflies, purple wrapping paper.

Stephen got a few presents, but I think his favorite is this shirt I finally got him.

Miskatonic university is a fictitious establishment from the books of pulp horror author; H.P. Lovecraft. Stephen is almost obsessed with his works, and he's wanted this shirt for forever!

We're still trying to figure out holidays as a married couple. Of course we spent the majority of this Christmas together and it was awesome, but the day got older and we had presents to give. I decided to go to my family's house and Stephen went to his. It didn't last long because the weather was crazy! It was snowing so badly that, soon after I made it to my parents' apartment, most of us decided to drive home before the roads got worse. And we missed each other so much! It was basically the loneliest 2 hours I've spent since we were married. We both agreed to never do that again. We'll see what happens next year.

The next day, we celebrated our 2 year anniversary! I woke up with the very-recognizable symptoms of a UTI. I get them all the time. In fact, I was waaaay overdue for one. And, even though I only had one that year, it was predictable that it would happen on the day of our anniversary. They did the usual testing and, of course, confirmed my suspicions.

It wasn't so bad because it reminded me of our wedding vows. In sickness and in health. And these sort of things always happen to us. But that doesn't mean awesome things don't happen too! When I was making the hotel reservation, I noted what we were celebrating (mainly so they'd put us in a room away from other guests). Well, when we checked in, they congratulated us and apparently gave us an upgraded room free-of-charge!

Free lounge room, basically!

We wanted to make a tradition of going out to eat, getting a regular hotel room, and eating at Wendys the next morning. We did that on our wedding night, we did that for our first anniversary, and we did it for the second but, after talking it over the next day, we decided that we don't really like hotel rooms. We used to, but I think when we have a perfectly good apartment, there is no reason for a hotel room. It's foreign, the comfort of the bed is always a toss-up, and we have cable and privacy at home. Hotels are basically obsolete now. We're excited to try something new next year. Maybe a cruise? I wish! 

After all is said and done, I'm so happy 2014 is over. It was a terrible year for me. Stephen liked it. He says he "grew a lot and made a lot of important discoveries". Aw! 

November 2014

I looked, but I don't have any pictures for this month!

There isn't much to say. I've been seeing a therapist and getting medication under control...trying to deal with all of the nonsense that comes with the territory of seeking help. Stephen has been working very hard at his new job. He's there from 5pm to 11pm (often up to half an hour later) and it's sad. We miss each other a lot and our sleeping schedule is insane now, but we're happy with the money he's making - it makes life a lot easier to not worry about money all the time, and he likes having a job that actually aids people. He's a bit frustrated with his performance, but I keep reminding him that he's new, so he'll get the hang of it.

We're both doing pretty poorly in school, but John, my therapist, is telling me he's happy to write letters to my teachers. It wasn't necessary, as most of them didn't ask questions, but I appreciated that. As for Stephen, there isn't much he can do at this point. His work schedule is too intrusive for him to do both. I know some people can do both, but neither of us is one of those types of people. Hopefully, he'll be able to sign up for a class or two next semester or get some time off work.

Another thing, we really want to move! I absolutely hate driving Stephen across the valley to work. I'm highly concerned about climate change, so it feels hypocritical and wrong to drive that distance 4 times a day! I also think it would be better for Stephen to be able to walk to work and get some movement in. He is sitting for most of the day. I worry about him.

Anyway, Stephen is handling the stress of his new job very well. I couldn't be more proud of him for his tenacity. He's a beautiful creature, that's for sure. I'm not doing as well, but there is a lot of work to be done on my part. We'll see!