April 2015 - July 2015

It's been four months! It's been so incredibly hectic. My apologies.

I guess all that happened of note in April is that I had one of the worst days of my life. To make a LONG story brief, Stephen went to the dentist to get some work done, and he went into shock as he was getting his x-rays. He started making this weird sound, so I got up to see him lax and cyanotic, with his eyes rolled back. The dental tech lady said he'd had a seizure, and I shouted for someone to come help. He was "fine" as soon as he regained consciousness and threw up a few times, but was checked out by a few sets of EMTs, some firefighters, and a cop. He kept apologizing for scaring me! Needless to say, I made him take the day off and be with me.

I was also started on bupropion (again) for depression. Apparently, people with anxiety will have palpitations if they aren't slowly introduced to bupropion. It's helped tremendously in some areas, but not as much with the actual depression. It's helped enough (I'm not nearly as suicidal), but I wish I could feel better. I still feel terrible most of the time. They're both recommending anti-psychotics at this point.

To help further, my therapist prescribed an emotional support animal. I was very, very excited. I'd been looking at kitties ever since I brought up the idea of an ESA. Unfortunately, the day after I got my letter, there were no cats at Petsmart. So, in desperation, we went to Animal Ark. There were only the orange kittens I'd seen a few days before.

Without thinking (or breathing!), we got a kitten. I cried as soon as we got home. I felt so guilty for not getting the rescue cats. Now we had this tiny orange kitten we didn't connect with. We'd made a huge mistake. The kitten was a great little kitten, but he had a biting problem. He was always biting us. He was so full of energy. I later learned how young he was. He was a tiny baby, so he didn't have time to learn not to bite from his littermates.

We tried. We really, really did, but he was just too much for us. We ended up giving him to a girl whose 20 year old orange cat had just died. She also had a little puppy with whom August (what we named the orange kitten) became instant buddies. I was SO happy a good home came along for him! He was a sweet boy.

After we gave him up, we took a small break to rest and think. We sunk well over $100 on a kitten that, deep down, we knew we didn't connect with. We got a new sectional sofa because we were tired of our leather loveseat. We just had some peace and quiet in our apartment. 

We decided to go with an older cat. Stephen was done with kittens. August was his first experience owning a kitten. They're not all that crazy! August was way too much of a party animal for us. 

Anyway, that's when we went to the SUVAS to get a rescue cat. We just drove there, walked in, and said we were there to look at some cats. The lady looked up at us with some level of frustration and said: "Do you want a kitten?"

"No, no" Stephen said, holding his hands up. "We want a cat.". 

Her eyes softened. "We have cats here and in the back, but you can't buy any of them today. We close at 6pm." It was kitten season, and I'm sure they'd seen plenty of people come in to buy kittens for their significant others only to return the adults they become later. A lot of people don't understand that a kitten is a 10+ commitment, and it's not a kitten for most of that time.

We looked at all the cats of all ages. I saw so many adorable kittens that I just longed for. I saw a few cats who seemed like a good fit for us. Stephen looked at this longhaired black and white cat "Ember" for a long time. He asked me what I thought, and I replied that she was okay. 

We looked at all the cats. And, when I turned the corner, I saw these crystal blue eyes peeking out from this black abyss. She was a young siamese cat with a dark brown face and brownish body with dark brown mits and tail. She was just too cute. I knew I wanted her. I even picked out a name. We were going to get her the next day. 

The next day came and we took her out to play with in another room, a "getting to know you" room, so to speak. She was shedding a LOT because she was stressed. She rubbed up on us and explored. She was beautiful, but something didn't feel right. I just didn't feel a connection again. I was heartbroken because I so wanted to. But then again, what if I was just worrying because of the daunting decision of adding a family member?

Stephen noticed something was wrong and suggested we look at other cats. I couldn't face all those poor kitties again, so we looked in the front glass enclosure. It was filled with the meows of kittens, but it was still less unsettling than the back room. There was "Ember" and a chill black cat amidst all the tiny, frantic kittens. Stephen pointed her out again, and I agreed to meet her.

As I carried her to the other room, I noticed her body was not as stiff and foreign-feeling as the other cat. We set her down, and that's when I noticed Stephen crying. I asked him what was up, and he replied: "I'm just so happy. I love her. I really love her." How could I say no to that?! So we decided to get her then and there. We waited with her in the room while the paperwork was finalized and we found a name for her. This is Millicent: 

It's hard to capture on camera, but she has the greenest eyes. She's very, very chatty. Very shy around strangers. Skittish, so adorable, and clingy. She's a good little cat. Very petite cat. We call her Millie. She looks kind of like Milo, and that's what I like most about her. Oh, and she LOVES Stephen!

February 2015 - March 2015

February went by super quickly. I finished my volunteer training, Stephen continued work and school, and we both celebrated our 4th valentines day together. We actually realized it was our 5th together. Remember our orchestra/choir tour? 5th. That's crazy!

March was interesting. I began CBT therapy. It was supposed to be DBT, but the groups were full. Regardless, my therapist is trained in both, so it seems to be fine. It's been better than seeing a school therapist by far.

I've been looking into getting an emotional support animal. My psychiatrist said it would be a good idea, but that the school would get in trouble if the animal caused damage. So far, I've seen nothing to corroborate that, but I didn't want to push it. My therapist also said it would be a good idea (a great idea, even), but he seemed to be under the impression that only my psychiatrist could prescribe one. So, I'm going to try to tell them both about the laws and see if they'd be comfortable prescribing one.

I also think it would be a good idea because of how much it's helped to have A VIOLA!!!

Yup, Stephen bought me a viola. Unfortunately, because of my sleeping schedule, I haven't been able to play it much, but it's been fun. It's SO beautiful - especially with the new strings on! This feels a bit over-dramatic to say, but I feel like I have an identity again. Before, I had nothing I love besides Stephen. Honestly, I think I got this gift so Stephen could have some more time to himself! Anyway, it's gorgeous, and Stephen is amazing. 

Stephen has been working hard. He recently earned $20 in commission, and a gift card to a virtual gaming store. He's been doing a great job of supporting us both financially. Also, we celebrated his birthday by going to Roy's Pizza in Ephraim!

Road Trip

It was good!

Stephen's father and younger siblings came to visit for a few days. We didn't see each other much but, when we did, it was nice. We definitely got some good pictures in, at least.

It was an extremely bright day, but not as bright as those smiles!

Anyway, things have been surprisingly stable in the Stannard household. Not easy, not perfect, but certainly stable. And, I think, better. So we're pretty happy with that. 

January 2015

New years are the best. The beginning of a new year is a great time to evaluate where you are and where you want to be, how you're going to get there, and start anew.

Needless to say, I've made some "goals" for this year. I want to get involved in service. I want to be more forgiving to myself and others. Let myself be more loving. Get healthier. There are a bunch but, overall, I just want to improve. There is always room for improvement!

I'm still in school and I hope to graduate this year with an AS in Criminal Justice. It's not going too well so far, but I'm trying. I'm happy to say that I'm signed up for volunteer training at a local shelter for women and children victims of domestic violence and sexual assault.

Stephen's only goal is to do well in school. He's doing well in most other areas of life. He has a job working 30 hours a week. He makes pretty decent money. He's a fantastic person. He's also taking 6 credits at the university. He's much happier with school because he's finally changed his major from Computer Programming to History Education.

While he won't earn as much money with this major, he'll be doing something he actually cares about. The subject matter seems to come more easily to him, so that's a cherry on top! I'm really proud of him for doing something he's interested in and something that will make him happy.

As for everything else, we want to be sealed to each other this year. We're really getting antsy for a child. Not that it can happen soon, but it's fun to think about!

December 2014

December was one of those refining months. It was a very hard month emotionally, but there were good times to be had.

This was our first Christmas in our own apartment, so I got to decorate!

Purple tree, pink lights, pink butterflies, purple wrapping paper.

Stephen got a few presents, but I think his favorite is this shirt I finally got him.

Miskatonic university is a fictitious establishment from the books of pulp horror author; H.P. Lovecraft. Stephen is almost obsessed with his works, and he's wanted this shirt for forever!

We're still trying to figure out holidays as a married couple. Of course we spent the majority of this Christmas together and it was awesome, but the day got older and we had presents to give. I decided to go to my family's house and Stephen went to his. It didn't last long because the weather was crazy! It was snowing so badly that, soon after I made it to my parents' apartment, most of us decided to drive home before the roads got worse. And we missed each other so much! It was basically the loneliest 2 hours I've spent since we were married. We both agreed to never do that again. We'll see what happens next year.

The next day, we celebrated our 2 year anniversary! I woke up with the very-recognizable symptoms of a UTI. I get them all the time. In fact, I was waaaay overdue for one. And, even though I only had one that year, it was predictable that it would happen on the day of our anniversary. They did the usual testing and, of course, confirmed my suspicions.

It wasn't so bad because it reminded me of our wedding vows. In sickness and in health. And these sort of things always happen to us. But that doesn't mean awesome things don't happen too! When I was making the hotel reservation, I noted what we were celebrating (mainly so they'd put us in a room away from other guests). Well, when we checked in, they congratulated us and apparently gave us an upgraded room free-of-charge!

Free lounge room, basically!

We wanted to make a tradition of going out to eat, getting a regular hotel room, and eating at Wendys the next morning. We did that on our wedding night, we did that for our first anniversary, and we did it for the second but, after talking it over the next day, we decided that we don't really like hotel rooms. We used to, but I think when we have a perfectly good apartment, there is no reason for a hotel room. It's foreign, the comfort of the bed is always a toss-up, and we have cable and privacy at home. Hotels are basically obsolete now. We're excited to try something new next year. Maybe a cruise? I wish! 

After all is said and done, I'm so happy 2014 is over. It was a terrible year for me. Stephen liked it. He says he "grew a lot and made a lot of important discoveries". Aw! 

November 2014

I looked, but I don't have any pictures for this month!

There isn't much to say. I've been seeing a therapist and getting medication under control...trying to deal with all of the nonsense that comes with the territory of seeking help. Stephen has been working very hard at his new job. He's there from 5pm to 11pm (often up to half an hour later) and it's sad. We miss each other a lot and our sleeping schedule is insane now, but we're happy with the money he's making - it makes life a lot easier to not worry about money all the time, and he likes having a job that actually aids people. He's a bit frustrated with his performance, but I keep reminding him that he's new, so he'll get the hang of it.

We're both doing pretty poorly in school, but John, my therapist, is telling me he's happy to write letters to my teachers. It wasn't necessary, as most of them didn't ask questions, but I appreciated that. As for Stephen, there isn't much he can do at this point. His work schedule is too intrusive for him to do both. I know some people can do both, but neither of us is one of those types of people. Hopefully, he'll be able to sign up for a class or two next semester or get some time off work.

Another thing, we really want to move! I absolutely hate driving Stephen across the valley to work. I'm highly concerned about climate change, so it feels hypocritical and wrong to drive that distance 4 times a day! I also think it would be better for Stephen to be able to walk to work and get some movement in. He is sitting for most of the day. I worry about him.

Anyway, Stephen is handling the stress of his new job very well. I couldn't be more proud of him for his tenacity. He's a beautiful creature, that's for sure. I'm not doing as well, but there is a lot of work to be done on my part. We'll see!

October 2014

October was a pretty eventful month for us! Stephen got the job (of course) and has been working 40 hours a week for two weeks! He passed his test and now has one more week of training to go before he can slow down to 20 hours a week. I mean, I like the bacon, but I miss my sweetheart! 

Stephen also got me an early birthday present: an acoustic guitar. His name is Allistar.

One day, I had a bad hankering for some animal interaction, so we took advantage of the local attraction called Hee Haw Farms. Unfortunately, we didn't realize it was definitely geared toward little kids rather than adults.

Still good though.

This guy kept following us.

He was so cute!

There were also tons of tiny baby pigs! They were the best part of that experience by far, at least for me. I think Stephen's favorite was the hayride.

I finally went to the school's health clinic to get some treatment for my mental health. The policy is to visit a school therapist first, to make sure you actually need medical attention as there is only one psychiatric NP for an entire student body. I ended up taking a 300 question test and speaking briefly with the therapist. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder with hypervigilance. My NP appointment is set for November 5th. 

This month has been so busy for us, but we're making a lot of progress toward better things. I'm so proud of Stephen for all of his hard work. He's been very organized and focused as of late, yet he still manages to take care of all my needs. I love him! And we're so excited for November! 

September 2014

Not a lot happened in September (at least not many things we could take pictures of). PKD awareness day went along without a hiccup. Not many people shared, commented, or even liked anything we posted, but a few did, and that was more than I expected. I was a happy camper, as long as it at least raised some awareness.

Then it was my dad's birthday party. It's his 60th, so it was kinda special. We took him to Antelope Island and saw a bunch of buffalo and tried buffalo burgers. They were gross, but at least I tried it. I found some men's underwear in the salt flats. It was cool!

I was going to take them home, but my ride refused for some reason.

Stephen couldn't make it, since he worked during our trip. He's been advancing through adulthood rather rapidly this month. While he's still working about 10 hours a week, he's going to school and keeping up with his homework. He recently applied to a web adviser position with a local, but very big, website company. I'm not sure quite what they do, but they're apparently a big deal. He'll be working about 20 hours a week for $14.50 an hour - which is twice as much as he earns now. We have our fingers crossed. 

Like I said, he's really pushing the envelope and he's doing it with a smile. Perhaps it's to make up for the extra load. I've quit my job with Papa Johns and am now an official housewife. Don't tell anyone, but it's actually not that bad. I can see why so many women look forward to this. And I've gotten this weird drive to be a mother. I know it's awhile away, but that doesn't stop me from being excited about it for some reason. I just want to pass on his genes. It's totally scientific. 

Overall, September was not as good as we were hoping. Things have gotten really hard for me and my mental state, but Stephen is flourishing, so at least we have that to be grateful for. Heck, we have a lot to be grateful for! And how about that rain? We love it. We absolutely love it.